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Posts Tagged ‘meditation’

All living mercury! and what physical fatigue

what  d r a i nnn

On to the fourth day, unwillingly dragging my feet

when fluffy music and puppies encourage tall flouncing!

I’ve been shutting mouth voluntarily.

I’ve been contained and ablizzard skull-side

a-buzz, a-buzz as those mating big beez just beyond the schoolyard. fighting for a fuck,

funneez. Jib-jabbing that woman down

Y’all don’t know. Y’all’ve no idea’ve m’insanity.

Thinking:

“”I am so incredibly exhausted.

What am I going to do?

I want to let it come.

I can’t live within these confines anymore. These constraints. Schoolwork is impossible.

Roadtriproadtriproadtrip last summer, let’s go back

I should move

but I don’t wanna.

Maybe I’ll eat

but I’m not hungry.

Avoid your traps, girl. Keep going. Just keep going when the going gets like this

But I want a break! not a vacation, a respite. A break from life

let’s go to sleep!

sleeping’s only making me tired.

I want to say I’m sorry. I should send him a letter. Two words: I am so sorry.

It’s over, isn’t it.

Now what?

Where am I?

What matters?

I don’t want to do this school thing anymore. I am wasting my time.

But what else would I do?

Work and guide myself.

But what if I get off track?

I need a teacher. someone to ground me

I need a goal.

But goals are impossible to keep when everything is in such constant flux! Even my goals change every second of the day!

You must find the balance between discipline and flexibility.

but what the fuck does that mean?

It means yoga

study yoga

but even yoga sucks sometimes.

It’s my mind. My mind is what makes it suck.

What’s wrong with school? It’s nice to have people guiding you on some subject you otherwise wouldn’t pick.

I want to do my own learning.

I have this great idea for free advised school via internet…

nothing’s ever going to come to fruition, is it?

Plus, I love it here. so much

i think: I want to be in a place that allows me to explore all types of stuff

– this is that place. I am.

[it’s all right here]

I just want to study yoga.

That can’t be all you do.

Okay, well I want to farm and garden, too.

What about people?

sure, I want people.

I want a variety of people, lovers and haters, all of them teachers

i want to be a part of justice for people.

Naw, I just want to be surrounded by and serving people I love

but all the people I love are dispersed throughout the planet

and serving them causes me to neglect serving myself

what.

Really, though, without having folks to get up to serve in the morning

why get up at all.

but nobody needs me

Some want me, sure

they think I’m unique or funny or uncanny

but they’d not really miss me gone.

And those who do need me, those who do miss me –

i feel oppressed and smothered by them. I push them and proclaim they’re tearing me from my very self

i feebly tell them how I love them

but I’ve never the gall actually to sacrifice and show it for fear of inward personal discontent.

And I did just want to be free. I was living free for such a while and getting good

I was knowing

lonely but uncomplicated

simply making rash decisions here and there.

though unexposed to the “WAH” of all life truly is except in spurts of organic progression of/and understanding

I contained divinity, simply less hands held with the cerebral cortex

I’m not saying it was perfect. It wasn’t.

But it may have been easier. Ignorance always is, eh

though there’s no going back, as long as I am able.

To spiral is the only option.

Bounding, pure light,

a cheetah swift a field of yellow wildflowers

caring her young

licking her chops

big cat love

big cat oh

spirit and bounty,

beautiful beast. Mother mother.

My long past floods in through some expansive region inside the black of my mindspace when eyes are closed. These visualizations used to limit themselves to uncontrolled, forgotten dreams. I’ve recent discovered an entire world apart from the lies told when I open my eyes. The inner blackness, emptiness

fills with giant banners of intricacy and form

Just the respite I’d required.

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The art lessons, the dance lessons, piano after school. Mom was teaching me to meditate.

This kid Elliot whom I work with in the dishroom had a dream involving me the night before last:

He and I were talking. We were surrounded by enveloping blackness of night. The sky was doubly dark with emptiness and rimmed full of brimstone fire; apocalyptic. I left the conversation by stating I had to “get back to work,”

I climbed in to some sort of egg-shaped vehicle. Inside it I was surrounded by mirrors. Using my hands on the mirrors, I began to orchestrate the energy of the sky, calling forth lightning, controlling the very atmosphere.

I asked if Elliot felt afraid of me or what I was doing. He said he didn’t feel I was doing anything evil or adding to the apocalyptic feel. It just overwhelmed him. He couldn’t handle the intensity of the power I had at my very fingertips.

I had to get to work. Not a job. Real, True, Work.

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