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Posts Tagged ‘yoga’

Spontaneous Abandon

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Sifu

Treat all as if they are Master Teachers

until they prove themselves otherwise.

Some wear sweatshirts and ask if the flounder is fishy

but the clarity in their gaze will give them away

if you Own to look it.

 

This practice

inside my physical body,

this gaining familiarity

with universal law

through my own skin,

bones,

and muscle.

The pain and exhilaration of tapas

building from the core,

tightening,

and exploding out through limbs and past materiality

into asters.

espers

whispering shadow n light.

 

My learning transmutes

and the stillness settles and grows.

it’s the transference

of physical discipline and flexibility

to action in r moral realm.

 

My body is so wide open

that the musculature must remain,

held

until it comes automatic

 

for I blow so strong and far in a breeze

i can hit ceiling and walls

and the crushing battalion of fleetingness

bearing futility.

 

Discipline’s my word;

holding chair till my face crumples

and bending deeper still.

Breathing into the pain

exhaling to release

and Loving More

when release is impossible.

 

Always

loving more.

Getting high is the opposite:

sinking

into true nature and reality

the stillness which radicalizes,

makes jealous,

and frees the world from karma.

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This day,

waking up full to the weakling, power derived off forty hours without food

and solids seem demonic, a chore mere by my choosing.

Enduring that discomfort –

– of needing solids

– of loathing solids

all through class

and passing a cursory homegrown beat between my lips

the purepinkness of its sugars embalming my insides and brightening the eyes.

Thoughtless tasks as bliss. Mindless maneuvers, torrid living in calm

my breasts swing roundly in this shirt, kissed by its comforts

and the environment that welcomes their shape

without leering upon them.

Just are. Even when dancing,

they just are

no one cares the more.

after work,

remembering shannon never got mine response

and catching her, six hours different, in some confuzzling conversation.

I realized my head is nowhere

too many places all at once

spirit buried more than usual,

more than its been of late

the result is a feeling of crass apathetic disillusionment

just a dangling, as per while.

I am not clear.

I can’t decide.

He is not clear.

wants so indecipherable

going through the motions –

thanking god now for the motions that keep me

on

in some sense at least.

And here,

such isolation. Surrounded by so many lovelies and all this interest in energy

yet feeling as divisible skins, moving and pursuing – all individuals getting it on their own terms.

How can I stop thinking of him?

Even if we truly stopped, this dangling would remain until resolution came before

ending this cyclic notion of halfness

in kundalini, my mind wont shh

the clarity is failing

swallowing back tears

the swelling of my heart occurs, but not expansive.

“Mother,” flash of my mother, then breath as my mother, than pushing it back rather than working it through. No welcome trance today, mercury.

And coming home, the sky is indigo.

the puppy’s learned a new trick.

my juice is plush.

Davey calls

he comes toting ingredients for “vegan ice cream,” including his own blender

and,

telling me he’s just been massaged by a friend using his own urine,

he makes a blackberry-melon-almond-flax-apple-ginger-banana

treat.

and, scooping it spoonwise,

dripping it down our glass and our bows

his blackberries are on my teeth

and in my soul.

for once, this day,

i smile.

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mental realms and rainbow

You laugh so brightly! Tickel-ing the airwaves like the highly plucked notes on your guitar

your hand shooting up on instinct to cover your mouth

the mouth i love and love to watch

No hand can prevent the escape

of twisting dancers,

so adept as they somersault from the sweetness of your gullet,

frogs off a pond made of glass and lillies

like the time we found some secret spot in the city

and the two of us laid on a giant marble, feeling cold and wet and solid like jewels all at once

we looked towards each other

and i allowed myself to slip away down the side –

a playful child summoning a game of hide and seek

but my face must have betrayed I loved you all along

contorting on its own end when to hiding thoughts of babies

bursting open like shutters hit by a breeze

at the possibility of spying your beloved teeth

darling

do laugh

i love the lights and shape your eyes make

the world shakes hands within your laughter

and we together can fall asleep in a hammock.

caressing by the sounds of the oceans within our breath

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What.

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All living mercury! and what physical fatigue

what  d r a i nnn

On to the fourth day, unwillingly dragging my feet

when fluffy music and puppies encourage tall flouncing!

I’ve been shutting mouth voluntarily.

I’ve been contained and ablizzard skull-side

a-buzz, a-buzz as those mating big beez just beyond the schoolyard. fighting for a fuck,

funneez. Jib-jabbing that woman down

Y’all don’t know. Y’all’ve no idea’ve m’insanity.

Thinking:

“”I am so incredibly exhausted.

What am I going to do?

I want to let it come.

I can’t live within these confines anymore. These constraints. Schoolwork is impossible.

Roadtriproadtriproadtrip last summer, let’s go back

I should move

but I don’t wanna.

Maybe I’ll eat

but I’m not hungry.

Avoid your traps, girl. Keep going. Just keep going when the going gets like this

But I want a break! not a vacation, a respite. A break from life

let’s go to sleep!

sleeping’s only making me tired.

I want to say I’m sorry. I should send him a letter. Two words: I am so sorry.

It’s over, isn’t it.

Now what?

Where am I?

What matters?

I don’t want to do this school thing anymore. I am wasting my time.

But what else would I do?

Work and guide myself.

But what if I get off track?

I need a teacher. someone to ground me

I need a goal.

But goals are impossible to keep when everything is in such constant flux! Even my goals change every second of the day!

You must find the balance between discipline and flexibility.

but what the fuck does that mean?

It means yoga

study yoga

but even yoga sucks sometimes.

It’s my mind. My mind is what makes it suck.

What’s wrong with school? It’s nice to have people guiding you on some subject you otherwise wouldn’t pick.

I want to do my own learning.

I have this great idea for free advised school via internet…

nothing’s ever going to come to fruition, is it?

Plus, I love it here. so much

i think: I want to be in a place that allows me to explore all types of stuff

– this is that place. I am.

[it’s all right here]

I just want to study yoga.

That can’t be all you do.

Okay, well I want to farm and garden, too.

What about people?

sure, I want people.

I want a variety of people, lovers and haters, all of them teachers

i want to be a part of justice for people.

Naw, I just want to be surrounded by and serving people I love

but all the people I love are dispersed throughout the planet

and serving them causes me to neglect serving myself

what.

Really, though, without having folks to get up to serve in the morning

why get up at all.

but nobody needs me

Some want me, sure

they think I’m unique or funny or uncanny

but they’d not really miss me gone.

And those who do need me, those who do miss me –

i feel oppressed and smothered by them. I push them and proclaim they’re tearing me from my very self

i feebly tell them how I love them

but I’ve never the gall actually to sacrifice and show it for fear of inward personal discontent.

And I did just want to be free. I was living free for such a while and getting good

I was knowing

lonely but uncomplicated

simply making rash decisions here and there.

though unexposed to the “WAH” of all life truly is except in spurts of organic progression of/and understanding

I contained divinity, simply less hands held with the cerebral cortex

I’m not saying it was perfect. It wasn’t.

But it may have been easier. Ignorance always is, eh

though there’s no going back, as long as I am able.

To spiral is the only option.

Bounding, pure light,

a cheetah swift a field of yellow wildflowers

caring her young

licking her chops

big cat love

big cat oh

spirit and bounty,

beautiful beast. Mother mother.

My long past floods in through some expansive region inside the black of my mindspace when eyes are closed. These visualizations used to limit themselves to uncontrolled, forgotten dreams. I’ve recent discovered an entire world apart from the lies told when I open my eyes. The inner blackness, emptiness

fills with giant banners of intricacy and form

Just the respite I’d required.

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Kundalini

“Everything good in your life, you have created

Everything bad in your life, you can let go of.”

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