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Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

Need

‘the sound of loneliness makes me happier’

 

Being

in dark depths

swimming alone

trying to love it more

but no breath to catch

 

must drop the force and pick it up instead,

the refining practice.

get clear

Miss Nothing

misses him

desperate.

 

And feel no worm;

just open dirt

some ravaged plane;

picked up and pulled by giant tears

machine

these wounds bleed mud and toxic weeds

coloring neon

the Pain she feels is incredible

delectable

was divinely devoured prior

by a priest.

 

She’s got some potential

she’s got nothing

without light

 

last cycle started the off foot-

where’s my cycle now.

The one comfort

is knowing ‘t least

the wheel don’t stop turning.

 

Don’t leave me alone

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For Joy

Mimamsa says those who remain in samsara (the cycle of suffering) do so in ignorance. But what of those who simply believe they love their suffering? And those who would rather remain in suffering than perform the work required of exiting from it. These simply forms of ignorance?

The other day, a girl said to me: “I just know that enlightenment isn’t for me in this lifetime.” Okay. What can I argue that with, when someone blatantly tells me and themselves that they’re not willing to do what it takes to embrace the joy they were created to eventually achieve? It’s the excuse about a certain position on a path. An excuse that I have used, that in ways I continue to use, and I’m unsure whether I buy it anymore.

We live in a (Western) culture of hypocrisy. That is not to say hypocrisy doesn’t exist outside this culture, just that I see now that I wade within a gaggle of people who think one way and do another.

I myself am one of these people. And I continue to be inclined in thinking that I do not know how to act in accordance with my beliefs. What does this mean, practically? How does it look from moment to moment, decision to decision? Here I am, reverting to old habits that are manifestations of my suffering. And I know now that it’s not a matter of stopping myself from engaging in these habits. Rather, it’s about changing whatever is the cause of the habits. At the root of them. And what I believe is that the cause of suffering is failing to engage with and act upon your inner truth, guiding knowledge. Essentially: ignoring God. But, I ask, how do I engage with God amidst all of these societally-imposed obligations? And is the answer to find myself within these limits or rather to eliminate the limits and thus more firmly direct myself towards the listening of the universe? Perhaps some are able to stay grounded within the obstacles and others need to escape them to find truth? Is this the difference between monastic and tantric methodology?

Does activism matter at all if your actions outside of it conflict with your beliefs? Does anything matter at all if you do not behave in line with what you feel and what you know. I feel, I do, that I cannot make real change or difference in anything without first knowing myself and never straying from that.

I long for him

like pieces missing in a rainbowed puzzle

of mine own Truth

everyone else pales

all connections seem forced and putrid

I wake up wishing I were on a floor, coldness outside and chipping paint surrounding. The most limited resources engulfing us and yet both needing nothing but the nourishment we feed one another in simple presence.

But I cannot go to him because I want to feel whole. And I cannot go to him because I want him to feel better. I can only go to him when I’ve disbanded all illusions and I sincerely want him for no other reason than because that’s what’s inside of me.

It can’t be a mind-thought. It can’t be a heart-thought. It is only a source-know that can lead me to him again. [God I hope to be led to him again]

And the why it isn’t now

is because I continue to make simple mistakes and I know they would result in abuse of what we share, like they already have. And I can’t go to him until I am secure in myself. So I can understand and look him in the eye and explain every treacherous act for what it us and be resolute in knowing that such treachery has sparked out like a gradually-weakened flame and no longer appears to waver me or shake any foundation.

I wish to be ready now

but i know if i went now he’d spy my weaknesses and they’d remain him in torment (because they keep me there, and we are One).

And I want to believe we could overcome them together, but I fear crossing that line into a path of needing him to assist me. And the last thing I want to do is come to him solely out of belief that he can help me ascend.

The only way I want to come to him is from my own intuition. Disbanding overuse of mind and overemotionality. And our stars are so aligned that surely their magic will allow happenings to unfold in a manner conducive to our workings together

as long as I am able to do my own work

and not stray from that work. Regardless.

And I am still not achieving there. But even so, hope holds out for me because I know my potential so well.

And here I go.

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And twice during a routine, feeling some thread of weakness flutter up through my sacrum and overtake me

for a brief.

(not needing to qualify that.)

Knowing and uttering out loud that something was coming for me.

And this blasé man of work to my left quipping:

“Don’t say that. You say: I’m not going to get sick because I’m going to fight this.”

Is that what I say? Well I took to heart and my mind repeated those words. I thought of my strength but knew these efforts were resigned.

And the pedal over the bridge that night felt like effort for once

felt like work.

I was done with being worked for the night.

Over the course of the next day the sickness slowly settled in with timid barking symptoms, affecting me like hiccups

doll waves of flickering whiteness

minor threatening interruptions.

So I prepared myself to rest and to fast and I turned my ears just inside out, multiplied them, and placed them too in my stomach and the aching portions of my back.

Morning I woke and coaxed myself out into the world

So separate. Measuring each step.

Stomach thin from one meal early the day prior I cozied into a bubbling café chair and read of shamans and altered mind states, of early life before humans knew what humans were (at what point did we specifically become humans, anyway?)

I cozied and I sank

Each time someone walked in the front door I checked my peripherals for Yona’s deliberate pace.

No one mocked it.

I alternated liquids and temps until the buzz of customers around me began to grow invasive and I was nodding.

Bought some vegetables to make soup for later and tenderly made it home,

a plaid autumnal smoking jacket, unwashed hair loose and a bag of broccoli in each hand.

Walking through the alley I never avoid, a man in a curling mustache darted past on a bicycle

tails of his long woolen peacoat fluttering in his wake.

Smile to myself.

At times it pleases me to remain this contained (move so undetected) inside a community. At times this “community” is enough

But more often I long for the love of a true one, honestly knit together and bound to last for many seasons.

Weakness nearly prevented me from completing the stairs to my apartment’s front door. I dropped the groceries and made a can of soup and two eggs that I flipped with a spoon.

It occurred to me that I wanted to nest in a warm bed of blankets and

there was nothing more I could have wished for at that moment than two perfect arms of someone with love, encasing me and completing that nest.

Yona came.

And that night still seems a dream.

Him there in the darkness with me (but not like before).

Little icicle spiders overtaking my body and slowly, quietly drenching the sick tendrils of my hair made oily with manufactured visions

My own fevered imaginings, held in by lids too heavy to remain open

weighted down by utter resignation

the give way to enjoying these altered states of consciousness

these fantastic tales weaving themselves in a premise unable to be accessed by any other human no matter the closeness no matter the want

this spatial realm of just mine and just mine body’s and only shared with this some force which holds and teaches me throughout time, this

god

I am reminded of my first psilocybin experience

lasting for hours.

When I melted into this blanketed comfortered mess middling the wide space of my old apartment and became a young girl I’d surely seen on television years before

one of those young characters in The Crucible

the women of lore wearing long tatty hair and white nightgowns lined with molded lace

the ones who amassed themselves in a bed or on the floor, ripped at themselves and screamed with lungs that never wanted to close, only might bellow and moan,

and threw about wild glances looking at nothing anyone else could see

these girls of old puritan times – the “hysterical” women no one could seem to cure or control

their fits of madness either put to spells of witchcraft or fever sickness

the fact that they were swimming in another realm entirely purely scaring their authorities.

He kept bringing me back, bobbing like a buoy between the fevered mind and the space in reality we shared

My lids quietly shuttering centimeters and my mouth breathing raspy drying air which must have been saved over from before

surely I was barely breathing new air

but my talent was pushing it out with force

and these images, these worlds I was coming to when lent myself completely to the sickness

how entirely I was able to feel what my body craved

how deliciously it led me to ice and water

 

and a memory of being sick as a girl

sheltered away in my darkened grey childhood bedroom, my bed pressed into a corner just across from the door [how many times that bedroom’s since changed]

Suffering fevered but kept safe and let to rest in that whole uncharted space.

Waking in that room at the wrong time of day, the sun having already touched down and the heat of cooking softly filling the hallway

Gingerly, I’d swing my weightless legs over the side of the bed and let the sounds of silver clanking in the kitchen warm me

I’d open the door and step, blinking, into the light

face pink with fever and eyes glossy

And there they’d be, the three of them sat at their respective spaces with a full dish in front of them each

and a fixed plate holding my own place

just me not in the chair

“You made it just in time for dinner!”

My throat washing down with love and concentrated nourishment she’d made specifically for me

 

I never take my temperature anymore.

And usually, when I get sick, I deal with it alone.

 

It’s the only time I feel loneliness and bite down regret for this self-contained life I like to lead. My pieces-of-people life.

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