Archive for November, 2011

Mother Goddess

At once, she is a virgin and a mother; a consort and yet pure; a fierce warrior and also the embodiment of harmony and compassion.”


Mother Maya, Women’s Power to Heal Through Inner Medicine

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Testimony 2 give on

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Here was peace. She pulled in her horizon like a great fish-net. Pulled it from around the waist of the world and draped it over her shoulder. So much of life in its meshes! She called in her soul to come and see.




{ He could be a bee to a blossom – a pear tree blossom in the spring. He seemed to be crushing scent out of the world with his footsteps. Crushing aromatic herbs with every step he took. Spices hung about him. He was a glance from God. }

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Each tissue layer carries its own significant memory of both its cosmic and practical functions. Once this memory is awakened, the tissue itself remembers what to do and how to do it to keep the body healthy. Disease is simply a matter of forgetfulness… Loss of vital tissue memory is the fundamental cause of disease.
Remain alert to internal conditioning and the conditions around.
…Life’s sacred journey is one of continual healing, the ever-flowing wellspring of energy, ideas, creativity and fulfillment, joy, and love wherein we seek completion through both the individual and collective consciousness. We begin this journey by healing into life and end each cycle by healing into death…
The purpose of each life is to learn the lesson of our individual karma, and to understand and assimilate those lessons. By this means, we may eradicate the lessons we have clearly learned, and thus put them to rest permanently. We can do this by the practice of Japa Meditation, which involves “catching” the repetetive karmas, holding them in a kind space, and recognizing that when the time is right, the divine energy will show you the core cause for their reocurrence… Ultimately, we heal when we apply our precious life’s journey to cleansing and wrapping up personal karmas.


– Mother Maya, Sri Swamini Mayatitananda in “Women’s Power to Heal through Inner Medicine”

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Like the Square

“Sorcerers say death is the only worthy opponent we have. . . . Death is our challenger. . . . Life is the process by means of which death challenges us. . . . Death is the active force. Life is the arena. And in that arena there are only two contenders at any time: oneself and death. . . . We are passive. . . . If we move, it’s only when we feel the pressure of death.” –Carlos Castaneda, The Power of Silence

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November Seventh, 2000-Eleven and it feels a different world.

I have come to know so much.

Where I am at.

Things have been shifting incredibly quickly. There is an Occupy Wall Street movement almost two months old and gone global. If nothing else, it has sparked conversation between thousands of people about the fucked-up state of the world. In reading a comment thread on Occupy Wall Street’s blog, it is possible to witness the process of people’s minds opening. One commenter notes that s/he’d always thought of anarchists as supporters of total chaos and disorder. Now s/he realizes that hir own beliefs fall into the category of anarchy by most basic definition. Folks who identify as Libertarian and Socialist engage in respectful conversation, finding and acknowledging the common ground within their beliefs. And through these conversations, it is becoming evident that several people have found a spiritual light through their recent experiences and life experiences. The Light is the Overstanding of basic Human Unity.

I am living in a town that serves as a hotbed of spiritual exploration; an ancient Native American healing ground in some of the oldest mountains in the world. Once home to Buckminster Fuller. People migrate here to live in peaceful community. They come to live more slowly, more artistically, more happily. People migrate here to heal and be healed. More people continue to arrive here because this town offers something to a growing demand –
it is a Spiritual demand.

After two years in Boston, I felt I had finally managed to mold a life together that suited me. I had taken a leave of absence from Emerson College and was living in my dream location in Cambridge between Central and Union Squares. I had a great full-time job at a busy cafe on Newbury Street. I had begun a steady yoga practice and enjoyed the twenty-minute walk to the studio before class. I walked and biked everywhere. I had discovered my favorite coffee shops to linger at and write. As soon as everything fell into its rightful place it became time to uproot.

One more aspect made this difficult: in the summer of 2009 Boston delivered me the Love of my Life. When December came along, I was gut-deep in the throes of a relationship I wasn’t ready to give up. But the green rolling mountains of Swannanoa were calling to me. When I thought about my future in Boston it felt empty, with the exception that was relationship with this man. There was something nameless waiting for me in Swannanoa. I could not even touch it or think of it, but it held an energetic fullness for me in my impressions. Three men helped to move me out of my Boston apartment: my Father, my Brother, and my Love. Peace 222, housing three middle-named Nicoles. As my Father drove us out of Cambridge, the look of the neighborhood felt both far away and close. It was a tearing, as if I had not completed my time in that town. I found that I couldn’t look at those houses for too long. For still I remember Sunday mornings. The quiet of the block left room for birdcalls and the cold of my breath was warmth to my heart in wool. Waking in the winter dark AM, treading down the tripfall stairs and finding the key to unlock my bike Dorothy in the stiff-but-wakening of mittened hands. Those Sundays were neatened sunlight and the peace of personal loneliness amidst colored trim houses taming our NorthEastern family. Early Sunday morning in Boston held chill and rare quietude. Leaf shadows on the sidewalks and stark silver clarity hanging in the air.

When I first arrived in Swannanoa January 2010, I couldn’t connect with anybody. I made two friends who had just relocated from New York City. They were a couple heavily involved in New Age theory, which I became introduced to. I loved the simple elegance of their house, hidden away up a mountain. I remember driving home from their place one night and having this distinct out-of-body feeling
like, this wasn’t my life. I didn’t belong in this. I had fused a good portion of my soul with a person still in Boston, Massachusetts, and I was now observing my physical self behaving in a separate location. The woods were a deep green blue and outstretched fantastic hands towards my throat, but I wasn’t really there – or anywhere – except in some state of division.

I spent long nights on the phone with Boston. I questioned why I had come here. This man felt more like Home to me than anything had, and I was a runaway. But I knew there was a reason, and I was learning. I needed these mountains. I followed paths in the woods behind my dorm room. I sat beneath the moon for long periods of time. I listened to the dark. Plants and mushrooms and piglets started speaking to me. I moved deeper into yoga and people noticed. People noticed, too, when I danced and they would tell me in short words – these are your gifts. I tried to let go of my Man in Boston.

So much has come to pass and, in brief, it is chronicled in this blog. I made a journey back to Boston for the last time in December 2010. One year after my first departure I felt simultaneously that I knew the place and it didn’t have an offering for me. I went in attempt to save the relationship I had so longed for and damaged. I found the crystallization of impossibility and darkened night streets to walk without any hand, only night and my own belly tapas, for holding to. Depletion.

I can barely think of the past year in Swannanoa/Asheville, for it holds such enormous shift. In the first year since my arrival, this place offered to me yoga, nature, and spiritual philosophy. It offered me several examples of lifestyles I’d been miseducated to believe were impossible. This past year has given me my Work. It has been (and continues to be) a departure-based emergence. I have learned, and continue to learn, an amount that I feel difficult to put into words. The way I perceive has change so radically – it feels galactic, or omniversal in nature. One word spreads into several unique and collective meanings at once. Implication and essence are greater than delineation, though delineation offers the foundation. This is a coming to richness. The collective is full. It is creative, synthesis being greater to whole than definition.

As I left Boston behind last December, a roommate I lived with at 222 Cambridge moved down to my town this January (2011). Gradually, then, “Leaving Boston and your old life behind,” in essence, came to join with me. And as one Master Teacher passed from my life, another entered. A Martial Arts Master dined at the restaurant I was working at and invited me to train with him. Asheville held my need for Leo in consideration and granted me a school of internal alchemy and a community to be a part of. As I write this, I am awed to real-eyes the infinite nature of giving as manifest by Jah. I feel so cradled by these experiences, an ever-exchange of fullness. Even in times of darkness, the void has always been filled by invisible force. Groups of three decorate these exchanges, and interchanges of couples and splittings and passings of knowledge through familiarity lines.

2009 and 2010 were ground-breaking. Major. They were years actively brimming with conscious growing pains. First was a free individuation in the face of crumbling. Then exploration and a new building of Was. Those years let Pluto’s searching Love in to bust across the walls of my mind. So hungry for Emptiness. By last winter I was catapulted into a floating: the waters of Neptune, where I spoke with spirits and feared for my sanity in smoke-laced nights by wood and reggae. Now this is where I’m at

I know you, Neptune. And found my friendship for blue ebbing. I definitely settled in his pools of silence smiles, this quilt of all beyond. I’ve been practicing Tai Chi since February and finished the form. I am expanding into realms of invisibility and building heat that extends to my fingertips in yoga, too. I know what it looks like to peer from behind my eyes and the such stillness of flowing down the central channel to rest in the cavity belly of my pelvis. I know the indeterminable sound of flowing breath and how smooth it can be on its own as earthing settles beyond what you know to be the ground and, in splitting, light flows to rise in heights unbound. It’s a Letting-Be Extension.

I embraced Neptune and found passion in those waters. I now look to work within those realms of mystery and sensitivity. Healers and elders have come into my life with welcome and covered me with their wings, giving i breath by the spark fire of life passing from One’s Eye 2 anothrr. My own point behind the breastbone made restless and itching for a sprout of’eather.

Become One.

But it’s like this, .
The earth now dying and curtains fallen off my windows. Blank and stark, undressing while turnips fruit in the garden and other beds lie fallow. Since this past September all has changed. The restaurant that delivered me to current teachings is long gone and its second successor has since opened doors. My new job was designed to fall into the hands of the person I’ve become and I live well below the poverty line, savings dwindle. A new person moved into my house, bringing with him a Leo ascendant, excessive mind, and a passion for Chinese spiritual technique. The couple I lived with for over a year fell apart and he moved out. I have two best friends. Both are women. One is the woman I live with now and the other is the woman I lived with in Boston. The three of us have successively endured relationships of unparalleled love and successfully transferred information and perspective necessary to wade us through those fiery waters. This is Living Trinity: Maiden, Mother, Crone –
our Goddess Belly of Jah preventing void by Transversal Enduring Light. We are specified manifestation of collectively whole vibration. Our beings dance and turn in Love combined and ride waves of Expansion-Contraction in Time like nothing can plan but Jah Design. Space is Real. Invisibly Connected.

In just two months, everything has made more than half-a-rotation. The weather doesn’t know where to land. I began yoga school. My house has been in turmoil by emotions of my family and my life has gone from settled to frantic to apathy in search of something to semblance a middle way. Age has bounced like a rubber ball from the turning of records over jug wine to trancing mantra recitation one room over. Men have been wounded in battles with themselves. Men have made decisions and false idolizations and men have moved in and out.

Neptune lifts shadowy veil and I find myself Back on Earth. Pat. A fallen angel lacking funds and looking Uranus in the face. At first I didn’t like it. I squirmed against it and tried to cling to emptiness. I wept for my break with a teacher who knew spirit. The Man who saw through all veils and insisted that I was Special. He viewed that in my nature, I was fullness to be worshipped, kissed, and eaten in ev’ry Living State, no matter appearance. His Giving of i Grace. and then my forgetting.

but now I begin to see the possibilities in this rigid (and continuously sputtering) anatomy. In the past year I have been tasting and harvesting various fruits from Work done by and with the Man in Boston. This Man I had envisioned as a young girl and recognized as Mine the first time his presence offered itself to my Sight. I have spent this year attributing my growth to him and thanking him for his blessings. I spent this year hanging on for fear I’d lose any of that knowledge. Fear that I’d drop the empowerment his Love allowed me to embody.
But I know the nature of Life as a collective embodiment of experience. I can trust in the work I finished, alone, to protect the knowledge gained. I can Trust. Period.
When your work is done, retire.

New things are birthing and dying, now. I made the realization that I experienced that Great Love in order to recall that sort of unconditional radiance within I Self. I made more space where that clinging was and in doing so, found new lows to be grateful for. Without his Love, and the reflection he provided, I am without anchoring of additional perspective. I feel much less than I know I am. But we forget so that we can re-member (come back together, to the center) Again. And every time we re-member it is a practice. And anything we Practice will in Time be Perfected. This is the work of the invisible, as guided solely by intent.
We plant a seed and then step back. Seeds need only favourable condition, natural element, and steady givings of Love to grow and flower.

I am learning more about my own nature, which is ever-changing, so that I can encourage and disband certain facets for the double-sake of growth and balance. I have learned the value of Death over life – in that the more we die while we are alive, the faster Life is able to Evolve. This is the Quickening of Man towards his goal of Ultimate Freedom, which is Uniting with Sacred Self.
I have learned again that I am Weak, in order that I can find the holdings in mySelf and release them to become Strong. And in coming back to Earth, people make themselves Real to me in their struggling efforts. The nature of addiction. The habit of forcing. The victims of solid circumstance as drawn by bloody economic hands of downpression. In my return I see the value in releasing closed perspective. Judgments I made upon community air to the wind as I connect with human individuals
and every Person contains a Deep sWell of varied illumination. I become in love, again, with the breath that is human life so sensual,
so limited,
so Epic in this Epoch.

This man gave me blue light essence of absolution.
now it marries with the sticks and stones of Venus to deny that entrapments are entrapments.
Entrapments are only entrapments if they are resisted or denied. Otherwise, the paradox of cosmos applies and truly,
seeking to feel and breathe entrapment simply hardens the internal vessel
strengthens it for future toil
and makes i ready to heal wounded humanity.

This Heat and the pressure of turning life into death and vice-versa
turns the carbon Print that is our Body, our Temple,
into preciousness of Diamond, a most solid and beautiful Stone.

I don’t need to float in the waters of beyond-this-realm to beget Wisdom. I am here now, in this Town. Folks are flocking here en masse and Asheville’s version of the Occupy movement leaves much to be desired. But that’s because elsewhere, Occupy movements are creating necessary spaces of Spirit – vivid lingual, energetic, and physical spaces of Unity amidst fields of concrete governed by money. The greater Asheville area that I have come to know already is a space of Spirit. I was called to be here now and all that I have found never even existed before it revealed itself to me. This is Consciousness.

Thank you.

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