Posts Tagged ‘personal’

For Joy

Mimamsa says those who remain in samsara (the cycle of suffering) do so in ignorance. But what of those who simply believe they love their suffering? And those who would rather remain in suffering than perform the work required of exiting from it. These simply forms of ignorance?

The other day, a girl said to me: “I just know that enlightenment isn’t for me in this lifetime.” Okay. What can I argue that with, when someone blatantly tells me and themselves that they’re not willing to do what it takes to embrace the joy they were created to eventually achieve? It’s the excuse about a certain position on a path. An excuse that I have used, that in ways I continue to use, and I’m unsure whether I buy it anymore.

We live in a (Western) culture of hypocrisy. That is not to say hypocrisy doesn’t exist outside this culture, just that I see now that I wade within a gaggle of people who think one way and do another.

I myself am one of these people. And I continue to be inclined in thinking that I do not know how to act in accordance with my beliefs. What does this mean, practically? How does it look from moment to moment, decision to decision? Here I am, reverting to old habits that are manifestations of my suffering. And I know now that it’s not a matter of stopping myself from engaging in these habits. Rather, it’s about changing whatever is the cause of the habits. At the root of them. And what I believe is that the cause of suffering is failing to engage with and act upon your inner truth, guiding knowledge. Essentially: ignoring God. But, I ask, how do I engage with God amidst all of these societally-imposed obligations? And is the answer to find myself within these limits or rather to eliminate the limits and thus more firmly direct myself towards the listening of the universe? Perhaps some are able to stay grounded within the obstacles and others need to escape them to find truth? Is this the difference between monastic and tantric methodology?

Does activism matter at all if your actions outside of it conflict with your beliefs? Does anything matter at all if you do not behave in line with what you feel and what you know. I feel, I do, that I cannot make real change or difference in anything without first knowing myself and never straying from that.

I long for him

like pieces missing in a rainbowed puzzle

of mine own Truth

everyone else pales

all connections seem forced and putrid

I wake up wishing I were on a floor, coldness outside and chipping paint surrounding. The most limited resources engulfing us and yet both needing nothing but the nourishment we feed one another in simple presence.

But I cannot go to him because I want to feel whole. And I cannot go to him because I want him to feel better. I can only go to him when I’ve disbanded all illusions and I sincerely want him for no other reason than because that’s what’s inside of me.

It can’t be a mind-thought. It can’t be a heart-thought. It is only a source-know that can lead me to him again. [God I hope to be led to him again]

And the why it isn’t now

is because I continue to make simple mistakes and I know they would result in abuse of what we share, like they already have. And I can’t go to him until I am secure in myself. So I can understand and look him in the eye and explain every treacherous act for what it us and be resolute in knowing that such treachery has sparked out like a gradually-weakened flame and no longer appears to waver me or shake any foundation.

I wish to be ready now

but i know if i went now he’d spy my weaknesses and they’d remain him in torment (because they keep me there, and we are One).

And I want to believe we could overcome them together, but I fear crossing that line into a path of needing him to assist me. And the last thing I want to do is come to him solely out of belief that he can help me ascend.

The only way I want to come to him is from my own intuition. Disbanding overuse of mind and overemotionality. And our stars are so aligned that surely their magic will allow happenings to unfold in a manner conducive to our workings together

as long as I am able to do my own work

and not stray from that work. Regardless.

And I am still not achieving there. But even so, hope holds out for me because I know my potential so well.

And here I go.

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Half-Month Big Five

The Big Five: Current top overarching concerns of my life.

1 work

2 relatios

– “Dating.” Singledom. Butterflies. Both sexes. Nothing even close to constitution of a “relationship” and thus it’s shortened to “relatio.”

3 my body

– Lack of motion. Placid and flaccid. Chest injury from recent bike accident.

4 my bike

5 change of seasons

– This summer made me happier than I’ve felt consistently in a long while. Private perpetual prayers against the coming cold.

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This blog has thus far lacked introduction, which makes me slightly uneasy. Therefore, I’ve decided to craft one now.

[SCENE] Virginia sits alone on the brown velvet couch in the living room of her 3rd floor Cambridge, Massachusetts apartment. She wears an old tattered tie-dye shirt and loose-fitting genie-ish pants. The sounds of fall and traffic echo up from outside – things are crisp today. Her mouth tastes of rice and peanut curry and her body feels like soft melting pillows.

I am conflicted about beginning this blog. For one thing, I tend to consider myself somewhat of a neo-luddite. I fear growth in technology and observe the ways it changes humans with disdain. I dislike using and/or typing on computers. But alas, the overwhelming convenience of them tends to override most concerns. The rather false (in some ways) feeling of connectedness generated by the internet is like a drug.

Blogs are extremely self-indulgent. I feel that, even by entertaining the thought of starting a blog, I am revealing myself to be a privileged person who enjoys frivolous things and laughably believes her opinions are of note and her thoughts/writings/musings are worth reading. Someone with a blog must be living the good life. Someone with a blog is certainly self-involved and possibly self-absorbed.

I am living the good life. My current position in this world is desirable and highly enjoyable and I don’t kid myself about that. The things written on this blog will reflect these conditions and be relatable for others akin to me – others with an apartment in an urban area, a job, friends, enough extra cash to grab a drink after work, enough freedom and time to think and form opinions on things that people like us tend to form opinions on. Indubitably, I will be writing from my comfortable place on the socio-economic ladder. I will be writing as a young woman in the Boston area, et cetera. I hope to carry adequate consciousness about the conditions that inform my work, and I begin this blog with the understanding that blogging is so fucking bourgeois. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that inherently. I just hope to remain a blogger who is aware of the many worldly reasons why I, personally, am able to start and maintain a blog. And yes, like so many other bloggers, I am self-involved. I feel that I wouldn’t be able to keep this blog without exhibiting that trait.

So here I am, on this couch, writing an introductory post. Currently in life I work full time at a diner-café-bookshop. I needed something to do on my days off. I needed a reason to write more and to write on guided topic. I needed a way to scrapbook my life. I needed an outlet for the words floating around in my head and clouding my vision as well as my interactions with people, which were becoming muted and muffled behind all the word noise. So here’s my repository, you’ve found it.

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