this is not working

fearing nearing obsession,

yourestillhereyourestillhereyourestillhere!!! INSIDE ME

this is why it’s become hard to look to the sky!

something I can’t face

baby,

youre here (“whether we like it or not”]]

our stars keeping an eyewatch. measuring their own brightness,

attempting to tempt me on board-

something is wrong

This verges on becoming some prevention method; some extra cyclic sickness

i fear

what if we’ve lost the youth of our connection??

the deeper we go the more difficult it becomes to emerge. skin layers then need peeling

and blood always comes, at least a dusting.

I AM SICK, DEAR, ARE YOU SICK? IS TIME WASTING US FURTHER? BECAUSE OF ME, IS NECESSARY WORK GOING TO SEED without planting?

I’ve never grasped so hard for religion

never needed any guiding

or doubted my impulses

never did I want a set of rules to follow

any sort of panacea

but now that I know everything is so wrong I feel I must scramble to discover and make rightness

now that living requires this much energy

and even more faith

i’m doing nothing. I’m being less.

please please dont blame me for any failings

please please i am too weak will comply-bend-falter-knees collapse into fallen pickles in a dehydrated stack of leather satchels limply weir-els

where is the purpose drive

and why cant i find it within me like always before

this current constant death and apathy

my neck breaks

Read Full Post »

Abyss of Whats Next

I’ve officially been accepted to Warren Wilson College for the spring.

Something’s making me feel sick and it’s either thoughts of going or thoughts of leaving.

Get me?

Read Full Post »

Today I..

..said “Fuck You” to a stranger.

I didn’t even see her face. But my heart was pounding and my skin was blazing and I’d just hopped my bike to head home in a fit of pure agonizing anxiety. She nagged me, a woman she’d never before seen, that “cycles aren’t allowed on the sidewalks.”

FUCK YOU. wasn’t a thought, it was some measured reflex and said just as deliberately. I didn’t spit it out. There was no exclamation and the words reflected no hate. Just a simple statement encompassing things like:
have you ever ridden a bike in a city in your life? I’m doubting it, because you wouldn’t say such a thing if you had.

can you even begin to conceive how I’m feeling or what my experience is right now? Again, you have no idea.

what is going on in your life that makes you feel as if you must lecture a stranger who isn’t harming or inconveniencing you in any way?

That last question completely hypothetical. I was so hot and wrapped up at the moment that I wasn’t capable of caring for what her motives or intentions were.

So I said “Fuck You” to a stranger who did me no harm. And as a cool-minded and emoted person generally, I can say I’ve done that maybe once in the past. I generally consider it unnecessary and antagonistic to say such things,

but today I wasn’t about to take some dim-witted lecture from a strange woman who felt entitled (as a “citizen of Cambridge,” most like) to speak down to me. So today, fuck you, strange woman.

Read Full Post »

Blotchy Spots

I’ve got a strange sweat starting and my insides are cheese. Processed white pasteurized American cheese, the forced chemical kind that never comes in a wheel. Never full circle – too many skipped steps.

My face isn’t my face. There’s a clog in the bathroom sink. I don’t want to wear makeup don’t want to wear makeup today I want to keep the flaws, cradle, and hold them gently but I have a feeling I won’t have the strength. Today.

Read Full Post »