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Archive for April, 2010

This day,

waking up full to the weakling, power derived off forty hours without food

and solids seem demonic, a chore mere by my choosing.

Enduring that discomfort –

– of needing solids

– of loathing solids

all through class

and passing a cursory homegrown beat between my lips

the purepinkness of its sugars embalming my insides and brightening the eyes.

Thoughtless tasks as bliss. Mindless maneuvers, torrid living in calm

my breasts swing roundly in this shirt, kissed by its comforts

and the environment that welcomes their shape

without leering upon them.

Just are. Even when dancing,

they just are

no one cares the more.

after work,

remembering shannon never got mine response

and catching her, six hours different, in some confuzzling conversation.

I realized my head is nowhere

too many places all at once

spirit buried more than usual,

more than its been of late

the result is a feeling of crass apathetic disillusionment

just a dangling, as per while.

I am not clear.

I can’t decide.

He is not clear.

wants so indecipherable

going through the motions –

thanking god now for the motions that keep me

on

in some sense at least.

And here,

such isolation. Surrounded by so many lovelies and all this interest in energy

yet feeling as divisible skins, moving and pursuing – all individuals getting it on their own terms.

How can I stop thinking of him?

Even if we truly stopped, this dangling would remain until resolution came before

ending this cyclic notion of halfness

in kundalini, my mind wont shh

the clarity is failing

swallowing back tears

the swelling of my heart occurs, but not expansive.

“Mother,” flash of my mother, then breath as my mother, than pushing it back rather than working it through. No welcome trance today, mercury.

And coming home, the sky is indigo.

the puppy’s learned a new trick.

my juice is plush.

Davey calls

he comes toting ingredients for “vegan ice cream,” including his own blender

and,

telling me he’s just been massaged by a friend using his own urine,

he makes a blackberry-melon-almond-flax-apple-ginger-banana

treat.

and, scooping it spoonwise,

dripping it down our glass and our bows

his blackberries are on my teeth

and in my soul.

for once, this day,

i smile.

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feels like heaven after self-torture. Feeling in control
feeling empty
feeling like I need nothing to keep me going

and the bodily effects,
this tea tends to nourish
warming my brain to a tingle which denies it’s own starvation
it feels good
to have my organs run slower.
the nausea is the worst
but it passes so quickly
and i’ve reached another level in the videogame.

all things pass
this i must internalize
all things go
as the breath
flits between nostrils
and feeds the cells. Food or no food.

to stay in this state forever would such be a challenge
pain
preventative
freeing?

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but from Midnite

Had the sheer exalted pleasure of basking in the power of Midnite last night. [Led there by the love in my heart and rushing through my veins, the soul has captured mine] The recording in the video was made when they performed at the same venue in Asheville last year. Trinity goddesses, loose limbs and One pulsation. This song was the message I’d come to hear

Love the life you live

Lead the life you love

Love the life you live

Lead the life you love

You should lead the life you love

You should lead the life you love

World is in trouble

Arm a geddon shall show her face

Upon creation

Goodness and mercy

Driven from the minds of the people

Lamentation

Jah Sire deliver me

Jah Sire have mercy

Jah Sire Father send I some

goodness and mercy

It a go murder them a go charge for

A pure chemical industry

Them a run from cultivation

Goodness and mercy

Driven from the minds of the people

Lamentation

Jah Sire deliver me

Jah Sire have mercy

Jah Sire Father send I some

goodness and mercy

Send I some goodness

Send I some goodness and mercy

Love the life you live

Lead the life you love

The mountains of Africa

They are familiar to me

You see the black sons of Cush

We were scattered everywhere

For as far as the eyes could see

But we are from the mountains of the moon

Kile Man Jah Row, Kile Man Jah Row

Mount Re Wen Zui, Mount Nebo

Kile Man Jah Row

So we love the life we live

Lead the life we love

We love the life we live

Lead the life we love

Lead the life we love

Lead the life we love

No tears, you don’t shed no tears

You don’t shed no tears

Awhoa no tears seen seen

Your body is your temple

Your one and only temple

You are living in the Holy Places

Of the tabernacle of the most high Jah

Love the life you live

Lead the life you love

Don’t shed no tears

You don’t shed no tears

When I cry I cry dry

When I cry I cry dry

Love the life you live

Lead the life you love

You are living in the Holy Places

Of the tabernacle of the most high Jah

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mental realms and rainbow

You laugh so brightly! Tickel-ing the airwaves like the highly plucked notes on your guitar

your hand shooting up on instinct to cover your mouth

the mouth i love and love to watch

No hand can prevent the escape

of twisting dancers,

so adept as they somersault from the sweetness of your gullet,

frogs off a pond made of glass and lillies

like the time we found some secret spot in the city

and the two of us laid on a giant marble, feeling cold and wet and solid like jewels all at once

we looked towards each other

and i allowed myself to slip away down the side –

a playful child summoning a game of hide and seek

but my face must have betrayed I loved you all along

contorting on its own end when to hiding thoughts of babies

bursting open like shutters hit by a breeze

at the possibility of spying your beloved teeth

darling

do laugh

i love the lights and shape your eyes make

the world shakes hands within your laughter

and we together can fall asleep in a hammock.

caressing by the sounds of the oceans within our breath

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focus, agility, completing tasks or transformation quickly, self-esteem

mother you came bounding to me in a field of yellow wildflowers

your pure clear light

licking those chops and caring

fierce protection of my sons

mother you call me i call you respond

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w([al{l]ow})

I am so tired of this

endless living samsara

with no bounds for choice escape.

There is no escape.

Some cling to an ascension, theories of light and perfection and glory

and life fluxuatingly flows on continuation

not necessarily is any light showing to conclude tunnel.

it smacks. of something like: well, all you can do is your best

i know, i know, but what of when i lose the strength courage will energy bounty

how do i remain in buddhadharma

or held in the cradle of god

making the choice to remain aware of the web has proven faulty

unspoken energies pronouncedly KICK me off it

some sort of daily practice, some discipline

nothing works

despite all knowledge otherwise full of grace

limp

dangling

vomitears and hooves full of stone.

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fearing nearing obsession,

yourestillhereyourestillhereyourestillhere!!! INSIDE ME

this is why it’s become hard to look to the sky!

something I can’t face

baby,

youre here (“whether we like it or not”]]

our stars keeping an eyewatch. measuring their own brightness,

attempting to tempt me on board-

something is wrong

This verges on becoming some prevention method; some extra cyclic sickness

i fear

what if we’ve lost the youth of our connection??

the deeper we go the more difficult it becomes to emerge. skin layers then need peeling

and blood always comes, at least a dusting.

I AM SICK, DEAR, ARE YOU SICK? IS TIME WASTING US FURTHER? BECAUSE OF ME, IS NECESSARY WORK GOING TO SEED without planting?

I’ve never grasped so hard for religion

never needed any guiding

or doubted my impulses

never did I want a set of rules to follow

any sort of panacea

but now that I know everything is so wrong I feel I must scramble to discover and make rightness

now that living requires this much energy

and even more faith

i’m doing nothing. I’m being less.

please please dont blame me for any failings

please please i am too weak will comply-bend-falter-knees collapse into fallen pickles in a dehydrated stack of leather satchels limply weir-els

where is the purpose drive

and why cant i find it within me like always before

this current constant death and apathy

my neck breaks

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