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Archive for February, 2010

And they say where is your humor? just keep going

have fun for another four years

not getting- you can’t have fun in a room full of dancing veils. Especially when you’re the only one who cares to see them. All others seem convinced that the veils betray certain personalities or some kind of value.

I say, just get inside and remain. It should be easy once you’re in again –

Like a turtle in a box. The difficulty is in climbing out. Much better to stay within the box drinking from tepid pool,

pretending to know there is nothing more outside. Only same box. So shut the mouth and enjoy the false sun while it lasts.

It’s not that I don’t like these people. It’s just that my skin shivers at moments when I think of him there, too

– moments when I realize again,

never to be appreciated that way. Moments striking so alone

dark

cold

wanting to talk to someone who can hear.

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“I feel like I’ve been fighting Bowser for fucking four years.

It’s time to save the damn princess already!”

M U S T

B U S T

His ways were appealing and I knew they’d overcome once I learned. I claim not to have learned, but this itchy skin’s finally finding seams. I want to further far far away with none but portable shelter, a sheaf, perhaps some flame, and a bowl to fill with compassion. Feed on none but compassion and knowledge, which when true is compassion anyway.

Wallowing here like a pig is not a choice. Resting eyelids – resting any body when not time isn’t a choice. The choice must only be to shed all that prevents me from knowing and behaving in truth. home isn’t here yet – it calls from that vast land on an appropriated map (perhaps. who knows home until it’s reached)

FUCK these CONFINES this bed does not SERVE

it does not SERVE to wake to an alarm and look at premediated prescription pages

it does not SERVE to strike any sort of balance

And I have the means this time around to renounce.

Today I cannot settle and the reigns shannot be drawn. Today is buzzing from inner-outs and needs in energy discover. Every day is this, this need to expand into Brahman conscious STRIKING past all chains and weird misfigurations! ILLUSION!

craziness

keeping secret all but my tent and the locks of my hair on dirt ground. Fire. Not going in the name of colonialism. Not going as a means to oppress but hoping to shed all these associations – to shed my very skin itself and every attached history and label, to shake out from this dried up husk!! EMERGED! There are no consequences to finding bliss! THE CONSEQUENCE IS ONLY IN REMAINING HERE, fighting Bowser until I die of bored tears. Remaining. Still. Stagnant. A waste of a rebirth and meaningless use of energy. Doing nothing but inserting trace minerals, toxins of sham or at the very best breaking relatively even. But not absorbing for others.

None of this can I say is for others, nay-

this is false. my practices and these learnings are. And they prepare me to travel forth if I am patient. I will dedicate the next 3 months, sure, to study and preparation and loss (which is gain).

And then I’ll go.

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Wilting

I miss him every day

and I am scared I can’t be real here

don’t know who I am – parts of me gone as ghosts

I know the task is to find me within all of this structure but every part of me simply wants to rebel

how do i keep from drowning

what do i do with the knowledge that no one will ever matter to me like he does

and when I can’t even tell him this

he may be so far away

I can’t know.

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