Archive for May, 2010


When I die

commence a huge celebration

remember thisessence

and wear the clothes of color you like the most

small talkliment yourother’s dresses

and dine on pickled eggs and beets in baskets.


death is rebirth, afterall

and the sunshine smells so sweet

honeysuckle flowers

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still floating outside any world that might’ve been considered my own

what is mine here?

what’m’i doing

and all of this ending.


forest life and prickles



swept by temporal pleasure

and knowing cyclic failure

I’m straying from the path.


you taken care of? I just want you to be taken care of

i only feel good when i’m making sure someone else is okay

and even then,

sometimes i feel i’m doing only because i should be doing

not because i am goodness


i am not goodness.

drugs of all sorts

shake my soul

i am truly just a vessel for fleeting motions, feelings, abberations, affectations to pass through

nothing but some cask


just a husk for repositories

and when i get so serious i am dead



it doesn’t serve me to exist on this physical plane

like everyone insists i do.

it doesn’t serve to lie on a sandy bank

with no one to flow into

give me room to flow

open up your pores and pour me int


what have i done


how has it come to this point,

where ‘being’ in the sense of ‘normal living’ is impossible

i, now so incapable, of these things so many call “life”

because i’ve tasted the truth beyond, the “real life,” per say,

and it has captured me

so that no one can lie in a way I’ll believe any longer

all that is

is breath

. union.

how can i come to care about anything else?

serial stagnation


a failure by social measures

a success in the eyes of the only person I’ve ever met

who understands what is actually important

you get

you’d get

if you were here

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Done For

you’re like a signifier for everything I’m coming to want

epiphanies need to be had by the two of us? before we can meld together again?

what is happening when these humans come into our lives

and we can’t forget them

and we can feel them in our veins

firing our synapses for us

licking us clean

from the inside out   ?

i want to come for you

when it means nothing to me

but coming for you.

to feel again

that nonspace between our palms

. i can’t hope for any comparison.

i can only hope to remain in desperate hoping

for the rest of this time (whatever length that might imply)

really though,

it’s coming to MEan

i need someone else to care for

spending life making love and magic


individual momentum has fallen off
fallen for.

i can’t do this

i am too afraid to do anything but this.

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it’s pretty clear

no one is to be counted on.

what to do with that?

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Paradox ma pox

In kundalini,

I cry.

I fall out of the poses early

when it hurts

when it’s begun to bind my face

when i feel it coming out.

I think of how I need to feel that brow center,

how my energies and awareness must take pains to be shifted to that spot.

I think of how meye there seems to be slightly above where everyone’s always said it must have been.

I think of how my screenname on AIM was “IamtheBINDI” at twelve years old. Before I knew anything about anything

and how in my sophomore picture, I’m wearing a pink one. Slightly higher than where everyone says it should be.

And I wore a red one to homecoming

‘slike somehow I’d had some awareness amidst all the casual normalcy I’d been brought up to believe in.

The clouds are pink when I emerge from the room,

without the meditation I’d come for.

i open my face

and let it cry

saying how

things are so difficult

things have been so goddamn difficult for me these past months, what feels like many

and the worst part is

i feel like i’ve got no excuse

for hurting.

i cannot say that someone died or that i’m ill or poor or enslaved

all i’ve got

is an effort

to understand what life is

and what i should do with the vast array of choices consistently lining the path i walk.

all i’ve got is frustration for feeling so friendless

a disconnect with my guiding force

and the pain of love

the confusion of what feels like irreconcilability.

that no-strings feeling,

as if there is something serious that needs to be resolved

but it is impossible to resolve it right now

and will be for some time.

And me,

feeling like I might be ignoring what needs to be done due to circumstance

even though right now I can’t feel the power to know what must be done.

I’ve just got to trust

that I’ll know soon enough.

I’ll be able to connect and quiet and listen and understand

I’ll see clearly again one day soon


and allow for that to be true.

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I want to sing

to you, my love

My only love

and happiness

Don’t be so blue,

so blue, my love

Take off your shoes

Take off my dress

I want to sing

to you, my love

My only love

and happiness

Don’t be so blue

so blue, my love

This, too, shall pass

This, too, shall pass

But tell me, tell me what

have I done

to deserve you?

Must have done something

’cause that’s how

it works.

Must have been kind

to kittens and birds

in a previous life

Must have thought happy thoughts

happy thoughts

‘Cause there,

you were there, right beside me

and somehow inside me while

inside myself

Books on the shelf

Thoughts on the shelf

Hands to myself

I should definitely keep my hands to myself

’cause love

is a dangerous pastime.

Caught between madness and gladness

of flight

Nothing is wrong

and nothing is right

falling asleep

in your arms every night.

But love’s

such a strange situation

full of frustration and

anger and fear

Everything’s tears

Nobody hears

Nobody’s here and

Nobody hears


want to sing

to you, my love

My only love

and happiness.

Don’t be so blue,

so blue, my love

Take off your shoes –

Take off my dress

I want to sing

to you, my love

My only love and


Don’t be so blue,

so blue, my love

this too, shall pass.

This, too, shall pass.

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i miss you a lot today.

sipping a beer and whispering, “cherries.” “mulch.” to nonedurstanding and

for serious, man

miss what we made.

seems I need so much more when you’re not around.

it’s like,

i can’t get up now. or things are a dream.

it’s like,

i just wanna sleep. i’m sleeping awake.

it’s like,

i’m just outside it all, okay?

like. who else will forget time with me and taste each separate atom of air.


Here, even in this body full of humans who can be naked with one another

there somehow exists only pretense. some arboretum of walls dividing us via leaves and branches

unable to break down but with rigorous mental training?

why is it

so much more likely to be open in a locale which requires shutting down for survival.


missing some pieces to the puzzle

or whatnot.

i musn’t understand, surely. not him. not i. so much questioning reveals that lack and yawning lawn of confusion.




I’ll feel gently comforted now and then,

by temporal desires.

and while in so, get caught up in them.

like, this yoga class becomes my future.

this funny joke ultimate.

this instant connection something of value and meaning


fuck school.

i just want to live.

fuck plans and a schedule.

fuck it all beyond fantasy.

i wish to live outside in woods



discommunication. only one person i need



for fucking up.

some lesson resides here, i know it.

let’s run off to the woods

let’s learn about energy

let’s ‘wow.’

let’s let go of silly notions that anything’s of inherent worth or value

Theories of Relativity.

Let’s remember, Virginia, none missing anything if you’ve got everything in the palm of your hand (especially when that palm rests inside another of equivocal greatness)

but somehow i treated it wrong.

somehow i don’t have the answers yet

and it made things rather ruined?

Sometimes my romance, i think, is all I’ve got.

unconquerable delusions

insufferable questions

quaking when waking

so let choose to sleep.









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