Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Paradox ma pox

In kundalini,

I cry.

I fall out of the poses early

when it hurts

when it’s begun to bind my face

when i feel it coming out.

I think of how I need to feel that brow center,

how my energies and awareness must take pains to be shifted to that spot.

I think of how meye there seems to be slightly above where everyone’s always said it must have been.

I think of how my screenname on AIM was “IamtheBINDI” at twelve years old. Before I knew anything about anything

and how in my sophomore picture, I’m wearing a pink one. Slightly higher than where everyone says it should be.

And I wore a red one to homecoming

‘slike somehow I’d had some awareness amidst all the casual normalcy I’d been brought up to believe in.

The clouds are pink when I emerge from the room,

without the meditation I’d come for.

i open my face

and let it cry

saying how

things are so difficult

things have been so goddamn difficult for me these past months, what feels like many

and the worst part is

i feel like i’ve got no excuse

for hurting.

i cannot say that someone died or that i’m ill or poor or enslaved

all i’ve got

is an effort

to understand what life is

and what i should do with the vast array of choices consistently lining the path i walk.

all i’ve got is frustration for feeling so friendless

a disconnect with my guiding force

and the pain of love

the confusion of what feels like irreconcilability.

that no-strings feeling,

as if there is something serious that needs to be resolved

but it is impossible to resolve it right now

and will be for some time.

And me,

feeling like I might be ignoring what needs to be done due to circumstance

even though right now I can’t feel the power to know what must be done.

I’ve just got to trust

that I’ll know soon enough.

I’ll be able to connect and quiet and listen and understand

I’ll see clearly again one day soon


and allow for that to be true.

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