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Posts Tagged ‘difficulty’

This day,

waking up full to the weakling, power derived off forty hours without food

and solids seem demonic, a chore mere by my choosing.

Enduring that discomfort –

– of needing solids

– of loathing solids

all through class

and passing a cursory homegrown beat between my lips

the purepinkness of its sugars embalming my insides and brightening the eyes.

Thoughtless tasks as bliss. Mindless maneuvers, torrid living in calm

my breasts swing roundly in this shirt, kissed by its comforts

and the environment that welcomes their shape

without leering upon them.

Just are. Even when dancing,

they just are

no one cares the more.

after work,

remembering shannon never got mine response

and catching her, six hours different, in some confuzzling conversation.

I realized my head is nowhere

too many places all at once

spirit buried more than usual,

more than its been of late

the result is a feeling of crass apathetic disillusionment

just a dangling, as per while.

I am not clear.

I can’t decide.

He is not clear.

wants so indecipherable

going through the motions –

thanking god now for the motions that keep me

on

in some sense at least.

And here,

such isolation. Surrounded by so many lovelies and all this interest in energy

yet feeling as divisible skins, moving and pursuing – all individuals getting it on their own terms.

How can I stop thinking of him?

Even if we truly stopped, this dangling would remain until resolution came before

ending this cyclic notion of halfness

in kundalini, my mind wont shh

the clarity is failing

swallowing back tears

the swelling of my heart occurs, but not expansive.

“Mother,” flash of my mother, then breath as my mother, than pushing it back rather than working it through. No welcome trance today, mercury.

And coming home, the sky is indigo.

the puppy’s learned a new trick.

my juice is plush.

Davey calls

he comes toting ingredients for “vegan ice cream,” including his own blender

and,

telling me he’s just been massaged by a friend using his own urine,

he makes a blackberry-melon-almond-flax-apple-ginger-banana

treat.

and, scooping it spoonwise,

dripping it down our glass and our bows

his blackberries are on my teeth

and in my soul.

for once, this day,

i smile.

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